You all are fucking retards, and need my help.
Questions? Comments? Angry cry baby threats? Email: AngryBlackMetalElitist@gmail.com

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Metal Child Destined to Destroy the Future of Metal

Greetings,

As we discussed in the last article regarding Massakren, kids need to stay the fuck away from black metal. However kids in Finland need to stay away from metal in general it seems...
























Head on over to THAT'S NOT METAL
for more information...

Regards,
-ABME

Monday, August 22, 2011

Who the Fuck is Massakren?

8/23/11- This post has undergone some slight alterations, due to some requests. However, I now feel the article is a little more clear in it's message. Regards -ABME




Greetings,

So imagine my disbelief when one morning I come across an article claiming that the best new black metal band is not only located in America, but they consist of a TEENAGER and a bunch of 20-something year olds as well. Naturally, something like that is so goddamn inconceivable, just trying to make any sense of that headline would cause any black metal elitist's blood to boil. Finding a seat to sit in just in case I suffered a massive heart attack, I continued to read the article...

Tonight's band in question goes under the silly and generic name Massakren, and are shat out from the black metal vomit capital of the world: Chicago, Illinois. What's even more concerning, is the fact they are being considered "Black Metal Teen Prodigies", amongst other laughable over-hyped labels.

Thankfully, this elitist is here to debunk that title, and hopefully put these lost boys back in their place.

(Left: Hrmmm... I wonder what band influenced Massakren the most...Here is a hint- This picture was later cropped from the waste up.)












Heading over to the always uninformative and often times incorrect site "The Metal Archives", it was not surprising to find that their one and only full length album somehow managed to receive a 99% rating.

Yes, a 99% percent, which by Metal Archives standards, means it triumphs over the following albums:

Bathory's "Under the Sign of the Black Mark" (94%)
Dissection's "The Somberlain"(92%)
Kvist's "For Kunsten Maa Vi Evig Vike" (91%)

Once you actually listen to these infants, you'll see just how baffling the score is. The idiot reviewer then regurgitates some mind-boggling waste, that reads as such:

"An Absolutely Shocking Performance - 99%"

"...Think Dimmu Borgir meets Ensiferum with musical nods to the likes of Nightwish, Alestorm, Zonaria, and Children of Bodom, including melodic and thrashing solo work which, dare I say, could give Alexi Laiho a run for his money and drumming that echoes Hellhammer, the drum-god himself...."

Great mounds of UNHOLY SHIT!

That's right folks, this reviewer (clearly born in the late 90's) claims that Massakren is not only up to par with Dimmu Borgir, but also gives Alexi a run for his money (as we all know Alexi was once a teen idol too at one point before leaving Impaled Nazarene, failing suicide, and forming the lamest mallcore act to come out of Finland.) The reviewer does not stop there as he makes the dumbest mistake of his n00b life by labeling Hellhammer as "the drum-god". More like the "drum-whore", if you ask me. This is exactly why Metal Archives needs to be shut down for good. As an elitist, you only hear bands by word of mouth and through secret vinyl trade gatherings, not some clown-run database on the internet.

After realizing that I had wasted precious life reading the nonsense and getting nowhere, I quickly turned to an even bigger abomination: Youtube. There I found what I was looking for...

Below, I have provided a video of the band during their "satanic black mass gatherings". Note that the only thing "black metal" about this entire video is the snow briefly shown at the beginning...



Watching this video made me think... Remember the days when REAL black metal teen prodigies reigned and actually made good music? Like Garm, who was just a young teen when he formed the (once) great band Ulver (before recklessly throwing the band's sound under a short bus)? And what about Mörk Gryning (which you probably illegally downloaded after I educated you n00bs a short while ago)? Here, we supposedly have some metal "prodigies" but all I see is really bad corpse paint and uninspired Dimmu/Behemoth worshiping blackened Hot Topic-core metal.

(Left: Not only does USBM now sound like uninspired Euro-core, they also fail miserably at corpse paint. Good job Massakren, way to rock the corpse paint widow peak...)









Further research into this band lead me to an actual music video which somehow got the green light. As usual with all music videos posted on this blog, PLEASE watch at your own risk.





In this particular video, you will witness the following:

-Pathetic "mid-length hair" head banging.
-Nu-metal ball-bearing necklaces
-A bass guitarist who "wears just a plain black t-shirt"
-Closeup shots of the vocalist's disastrous corpse paint
-Meaningless overhead and fish-eye shots
-Uninspired "empty warehouse" setting
-Over-produced recording quality, completely devoid of any atmosphere or feeling
-Black fingernail polish (stolen from Mom's dresser)
-Black metal work boots (?)

A big "what the fuck were you thinking?" goes out to the parents of these kids, who let them act and dress like this in public when they should have been at home doing their dirty work (like mowing the lawn and painting fences). Instead, they were allowed to gather and form shitty music (which I am sure their parents didn't want to hear being played in their basement in the first place).



(Left: Don't forget to grab your awesome Massakren shirt!!)




















So in short, it does not matter if you can play scales on the guitar better than half the people in your high school; but going around calling yourself "Black Metal" and playing uninspired Dragon Force/Dimmu/CoB shit is not going to get you anywhere (except signed to a multi-million seven-album deal on Nuclear Blast).

Stay tuned, as I take a look at someone even younger than these guys, and has met more metal musicians in his infant years than the majority of all metal heads. The post will be featured on THAT'S NOT METAL within the coming week or so.

Regards,
-ABME
(with insight from S.)

Monday, August 8, 2011

No One Gives a Shit, Necrobutcher...

Greetings,

So today I was asked about my elitist opinion concerning the recent Necrobutcher publicity stunt...
Here is my answer:

Necrobutcher (who by the way is balding horribly and looks to be the age of 55) will be pulling the "Public Television ist Kvlt" bullshit (made popular by clowns such as Kanwulf and more recently Nergal of Behemoth) by getting an exorcism in black metal failure capital of the world: America. Euronymous must be spinning in his grave (only in his underwear of course) as this embarrassing news is currently flooding the internet metal scene at "bubonic plague" pace.




(Left: "Did I mention I will be on TV???")













Necrobutcher admits he thinks Bob Larson is a quack and he is just there for the experience, so obviously he must be going to the USA to experience the TRUE Arizona black metal scene . Arizona as we all know is basically a desert hell hole filled with jackrabbits and coyotees, so I hope he has fun out in the wild west. Below is the featured interview from the atrocious Metal Hammer website. Trust me, I had some one send me the link, I did not expose my computer to that false metal dogshit.


Of course it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out any self-proclaimed "exorcist" is full of shit and just wants money as much as the next satanic black metal band from Norway. What a pay off! Necrobutcher and Mayhem get TV time, and this clown gets more publicity for his church full of narrow minded rat bastards. In the end no one wins because the mass amount of mental retardation put into this show is so great, simply viewing the show may cause people to go mad and beat each other senseless like wild apes.






(Left: Who could forget this masterpiece of black metal journalism. Necrobutcher is no stranger to a camera being shoved in his face.)





With that said, Necrobutcher should just stick to what he is good at: getting drunk and playing mallcore black metal. I stopped listening to Mayhem back in 1995 so I could give a rats-ass less if he did end up becoming a straight edge christian "X-hander" after being successfully exorcised. In fact I WANT him to get exorcised so then everyone will stop listening to Mayhem because they realize just how much of a joke they are nowadays.

Now If you will excuse me, I have more pressing topics to write about which should be up some time later...

Regards,
-ABME




Thursday, August 4, 2011

Krallice Set to Ruin Upcoming Urfaust show

Greetings,

Today I awoke once again to horrible news regarding the upcoming Urfaust show. As we remember from our previous readings, former NYC hardcore band turned "kvlt" Black Anvil was announced as an opener to many elitist displeasure. To throw some salt on the wound today, KRALLICE was named as the other opening band. As many of you should know by now, Krallice represent the NWoSHM (New Wave of Shitty Hipster Music) or as their retard fans like to consider them "Cascadian Metal" despite being located in New York.





(Left: The official flyer for the upcoming show... Intoxication tour indeed, because whoever put the line up together must have really fucking been hammered.)













I cannot help but wonder where Havohej or any of the REAL serious US black metal bands are. We have the great Urfaust doing only a THREE show tour and the best promoters could do is offer Black Anvil or Krallice?? Shit, lets just add Liturgy, Goatwhore, and Nachtmystium to round off this embarrassing line up.




(Left: Ecstatic hipsters from all over America rejoice over the news from earlier today that Krallice would indeed be opening for Urfaust)















So not only will we have a slamcore contest going on during Black Anvil; there will also be bicycle-riding beardneck vegans running around and dumpster diving behind the venue. And what about the vendors you ask? Well I am sure now there will be a Bicycle Supply vendor set up in the back selling bicycle parts and repair items; and don't forget about the plaid shirt dealer who is sure to leave with his pockets full. Pabst Blue Ribbon will most likely be sponsoring the show and probably have a truck parked in the back to refill the patrons violent demand for a cheap high.


(Left: Just going to show how dangerous hipster shows can be, this chaotic seen shows beardnecks storming the stage during a Krallice show at an organic coffee house.)



Being the elitist I am, I must say I am rather concerned. I might have to skip this show entirely. I am sure it will sell out regardless as already I have seen FB groups dedicated to biking in clusters to the show. We will have to see....

Much more ahead on the dark horizons....

Regards,

-ABME

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Black Metal Fan Art... THAT SUCKS!!

Greetings,

As a black metal elitist, I am reminded of the pending doom associated with the future of the black metal scene on a daily basis. However it is the visual stupidity of attempted fan-artwork by these juvenile "black metal n00bs" that really gives me no hope for the future. Constantly when I do a search for a certain picture, I am bombarded with horrifying fan "tributes" to clowns associated with black metal (who often times do not deserve a tribute, no matter how shitty it looks). Of course being a master artist who has done artwork for hundreds of underground Black Metal bands (of which you will never come to know), I just wanted to take a second to scrutinize some of my findings over the past decade. Prepare yourself for the Gallery of Stupidity- Vol. I

1) Gaahl and King




























I never understood why someone would take the time to waste precious paint and canvas on a portrait featuring two of the biggest "fuck-ups" in black metal. Even more confusing is the fact we have a "Before Corpse Paint and After" scenario going on here. Not that we need to be reminded of how stupid King looks without his corpse paint on. There are already at least two posts on this blog alone dedicated to that subject. Gaahl flat out looks more creepy here without his corpse paint than in real life. Kind of like a child with a grown man's beard. This is such a horrible portrait, I do not feel like wasting my eye sight looking at it anymore.


2) Abbath






















Whoever drew this must think they are all hardcore and shit because look at the title and signature at the bottom. Goddamn. Don't quit your day job to become a black metal portrait artist. Anyway this is Abbath with that goofy piece of shit axe Nuclear Blast gave to him as a last ditch effort to keep him from abandoning his contractual fulfillment. As we know, when Immortal did end up briefly parting ways, Nuclear Blast allegedly took the axe back and snapped it in front of Abbath. A sobering reminder that once you sign to Nuclear Blast, you have sold your metal soul.


3) Dani Filth






















Probably the most accurate picture in the bunch showcasing Dani's massive forehead due to his receding hairline. It put a smile on my face reassuring me that I am not the only one who notices this. The artist of this picture can email me your info so you can receive your prize: an official and limited ABME t-shirt (that is, if and when I get off my ass and get one made).


4) Shagrath






















Yeah fucking RIGHT... Where do I begin with this over-exaggerated piece of alpaca shit? First, where is Shagrath's beer gut? It seems to be completely absent here. Secondly, he looks as if he is ready to battle Pokemon or some other mind-warping Japenese children show/toy line. I do like the emphasis on Shagrath's nu-metal tribal tattoos. He really should be humiliated for his poor decision regarding ink.


5) Satyr






















Here we have Satyr posing in his chair looking like he needs to take a black n' roll shit. It seems more thought was put into the detail of the actual chair than either of Satyr's hands which look like his bones where crushed as if Sarah Jezebel Deva sat on them. This one does show some hard work was put into it, but the simple fact this is from Satyricon's "shit-era" denies even the most unhelpful constructive criticism from this angry elitist.


6) Wrest




















This was done by that guy who did a bunch of black metal pictures on sticky notes and sold them to idiot circus clowns for upwards of $60. Of course with Wrest in jail for being a woman sodomizing dumbass, I am sure this particular sticky note has probably since tripled in value. There is also rumored to be a variant "beardneck" edition sticky note of Wrest, which was made to coincide with the new Twilight album. I was unable to find a picture of this sadly.


Well that's all for now. Of course I have a whole folder full of these "fan-art" pictures from hell. Just thought I'd share a few in between posts.

Interesting stuff ahead....

Regards,
-ABME

Monday, August 1, 2011

ABME Movie Review: Troll Hunter

Greetings,

Well seeing that my last movie review was highly successful, I have decided to venture out and waste money on another movie that all the scene kids are gawking about. Unfortunately the only place showing this movie was in Washington DC... at an ART HOUSE cinema complex. So I packed my bags and prepared a black metal playlist featuring first tier black metal bands exclusively. Pulling up to the theater I noticed some beardnecks standing outside with their beanies and nut crushing pants on. Dear satan almighty... I closed my eyes and ignored them. So after a four hour drive and 15 imported beers later, we had finally arrived and I was getting anxious.

It was time to see the film in question for tonight's review...

Norway's very own TROLL HUNTER!






















Now some of you may ask: "But ABME, why are you reviewing this movie? It has nothing to do with black metal."

Correct (for once) you are. However, anyone who listens to any form of Euro-metal knows this movie exists and is considered one of the most important "Metal Head Must See" films of the year. I mean its about TROLLS who eat christians, which I think the majority of metal heads would agree with as being "T0taLy Sick BraH!" or something stupid like that.

SO before I start, here is the trailer with English subtitles. I know not all of you cannot fluently speak Norse like I can...



The film starts off showcasing what Norwegians are typically good at; talking way too much and hunting bears and shit. Anyway this crew of three college kids go to find this guy they suspect who is killing the bears, and wouldn't you know it... he actually hunting TROLLS. Well our troll hunter guy sounds eerily familiar to Gaahl. In fact the final scene of this movie takes place in a cabin in a barren snow covered mountain range.

Creepy... in "Gaahl interview" sort of way.

Anyway the college kids follow the Troll Hunter into different locations looking for various trolls and really that's about it. I am not going to say much more about the plot because it literally could give the entire ending away. Lots of boring talk and shaky camera shit everywhere, and sadly no one in the theater puked because of the shakiness. That would have been worth my $20.

(Left: Expect lots of running and falling; mostly by the female lead who serves no purpose in the movie because there is not one nude scene involving her.)



The movie goes on and on about trolls, but felt more like a National Geographic movie on scenic Norway (which isn't bad, but seeing I have been to Norway a zillion times makes it really nothing special). The Trolls are of the worst caliber CGI I have seen in some time. I honestly thought I was viewing Sega Saturn era computer graphics in some scenes. The shitty CGI in Lord of the Rings was more convincing than this. One scene where a troll grabs our Troll Hunter hero and slams him into the side of a bridge was so fucking unrealistic I almost urinated all over the guy in front of me because I was laughing so hard. I know the movie is considered "low budget" but there is shit of SyFy about Megacrocs fighting some other form of inbred animal that feature better CGI than this.


(Left: The CGI in the movie was absolutely appalling. Yeah it was THAT bad.)
















So after an exhausting two hours of mostly talk and idiots tripping during crucial plot segments, the movie ends with some punch line that I did not get because I had found scratching my balls more entertaining at the given moment. The movie drew to a close and I started to gather all my things when the credits began to roll. I was half way down reaching for my popcorn bag which had scattered on the floor when I heard a familiar and horrifying sound...

A trendy guitar riff started to play...

"No! I cant BE!!" I thought to myself...

But it was true...

My stomach and heart sank as seconds stretched to lifetimes.

It was true... KVELERTAK was playing during the end credits!!!!!

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-















OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Listing to Kvelertak blasting in Dolby Digital Surround Sound reminded me of a distinct pain I felt as a child when I was so overly constipated I literally felt my asshole rip apart.

Realizing I was in danger, I quickly began searching for the emergency exits. The beardnecks I had seen earlier were jumping up and down in the seats, throwing popcorn and headbanging. They became more violent and agitated as the song neared the Nirvana chorus. I ran between the isles but then I saw a tattooed arm with a plaid sleeve grab me; then wrapping around me and spilling his Pabst Blue Ribbon all over my import shirt. The drunken hipster began shouting the chorus off cue right in my face. Frightened I pretended to sing along to Kvelertak's retarded lyrics and thankfully he let me go; only to immediately find a popcorn bucket and place it on his head which he head banged proudly with in a barbaric act of stupidity. I fled through the side exit and managed to escape with my elitist dignity intact.

Final Score: D-
-Bad CGI and horrible choice of end credit music killed the movie.

THE END
__________________________________________________________________


On a side note it's worth pointing out the differences between the US and Norwegian version. I guess the US distributors felt that Americans would not understand the film because it lacked rampant product placement ads littered through out the film. This would confuse the American film goer as they are instead forced to watch an actual story unfold without a quarter-pounder being shoved in their face. The overseas distributor not liking any part of this, went back and placed some adds using CGI. Below are two prime examples where this is used that I was able to locate on the web. Click the pictures to enlarge.

Exhibit A)











Exhibit B)









So yeah... I am $28 in the hole not only for that goddamn art house charging $8 for their "organic gourmet" popcorn but also because Norway has failed me once again. Norway should now be noted as land of sell-out Shagrath/polished black metal and CGI trolls.

Stay tuned as I continue my righteous blackened warpath on the weak. I will have a special "guest" writer doing a post, and of course I have a mailbag full of angry messages to read and comment on.

Regards,
-ABME

TEMPLE OF THE BLACK MOON

Greetings,

Recently Dani Filth and King formed an alliance to take on not only the Black Metal community, but the Metal community as a whole. Grabbing members of White Zombie and Anthrax to beef up the band, they set out to tackle the unforgiving metal community which had scorned them prior.

With their mallcore powers united, they now form the super group...

TEMPLE OF THE BLACK MOON



















So get your draft papers filled out and help join the war against shitty "super groups" over at THAT'S NOT METAL!!

THAT'S AN ORDER!!!

Regards,
-ABME